I Just Wanted to be Chosen

ove-er-xo

I just wanted to be chosen.

To be special.

To be loved enough to be someone’s first choice

When I wasn’t, I thought I would die

I thought, “I have all this love and no one wants it”

Turns out, I fucking wanted it

I had given .01% thought to loving myself and ALL the rest of my energy to trying to get someone else to love me.

(That tiny percentage came from a Madonna lyric, “until I learn to love myself/never ever lovin’ anybody else. Happiness lies in your own hands”. Because I came of age in the 90’s and Madonna)

And I never gave one thought to what loving myself would actually look like. 

I guess if I had given it much thought, I would have thought back then that my own love needed to be earned, the same as everyone else’s; earned through achievement and a six pack and not having any real needs or opinions.

Until I tried and failed to give my love away in the world in exchange for being loved back, I had zero concept of self-love.

Which was completely and utterly backwards.

But I didn’t know.

I just wanted to be chosen.

***

Choosing to love myself started as a tiny spark in the darkness.

Someone told me, as I am telling you now:

You do not need to earn your own love. 

There is a place in your heart which is only love and nothing else

There’s nothing you have done or ever could do to diminish this place. You need only access it and you will access all the love you could ever need. 

For me, the spark grew into a flame that burns still. 

Sometimes I neglect it and it cools down to embers, but then I tend it and it flares up again. 

Big enough to warm the whole world 

It never, ever extinguishes. Not even when I cease to feel its warmth.

That’s how you do it.

You pick you.

I pick me.

I give me the love I kept trying to give away and it doesn’t shrink or deplete, but multiplies and intensifies and I can share it with those who would cherish it and benefit from it. 

And then another light finds my light and together the lights grow brighter

That’s it. 

That’s all there is to it

There is a spark at the centre of your heart and it only knows love because it IS only love.

You don’t have to earn this love

It’s already yours’.

No matter what you’ve done.

It cannot be taken from you, not even if you think you’ve given it all away along with your dignity and personal power. 

The spark remains, waiting for you to notice and tend to it and help it to grow into a forest fire that will burn this motherfucker down.

If you need help choosing you, I want to help you find your spark. Check out my one-on-one coaching package. I’m super proficient at lighting the sparks of amazing women.

love-er-xo-17

Erin McDonald
Writer, Yoga Teacher, Dream Chaser Coach at ClumsyGrace
Erin is an International Transformational Coach, obsessed with facilitating change in the lives of incredible, hilarious women. She's a Mama, wife, friend, sister, daughter, and cousin; a seeker (and occasional finder) of an authentic life in all its disastrous glory. She has a brave heart, believes in magic, loves tacos, and always wins at Whack-a-Mole
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About the author : Erin McDonald

Erin McDonald
Erin is an International Transformational Coach, obsessed with facilitating change in the lives of incredible, hilarious women. She's a Mama, wife, friend, sister, daughter, and cousin; a seeker (and occasional finder) of an authentic life in all its disastrous glory. She has a brave heart, believes in magic, loves tacos, and always wins at Whack-a-Mole